We open with Arthur and Guinevere out for a leisurely ride; the two have plans later to make out in the backseat of their Ford Pinto I mean, to make out while sitting on the back of their Pinto named Ford. Arthur is talking about how it is the couple s anniversary and how nice it is that it s just the two of us. Guinevere coughingly points out that it is the three of them, as Merlin is trailing behind, but Arthur hastily adds, Merlin doesn t count.
Oh, Arthur. Don t you know that words sting? Don t you know that denial is a river in Egypt and/or the fussy younger brother on Frasier ?
Are you the only one who really doesn t understand why you always force Merlin to come along on these little jaunts? Nearby, the group spies a steaming pile in the brush. Funny, my little pug made me pick up two steaming piles just like that this morning, and made me wait good and long for him in the bitter cold while he did it, too.
This particular pile explodes (then again, my dog s piles have been known to do that too,) and Arthur is thrown from his horse. Two men rush the king from the woods with swords. A battle ensues, but, with timely magical assistance from Merlin, Arthur proves victorious and slays his foes.
Guinevere seethes; clearly, she and Morgana will have to try again. The assembled knights investigate and discover that someone sabotaged the king s saddle, so that it would break when the magic flaming bag of poo exploded and assure Arthur would be thrown from his horse. Suspicion falls on Tyr Seward , the king s stable hand and chief horse mechanic.
Tyr declares his innocence but red thread exactly like the kind used to sew up the saddle again is found in Tyr s mother s home. Wait this guy has a good job at court but still lives with his mother? Is his basement bedroom decorated with Star Trek posters and a Darth Vader nightlight, too?
And let me guess he dressed up as a hobbit for Halloween last year, right? And not even Frodo no, this guy went as Sam. Oh, Tyr.
I bet you have a tough time talking to girls, too, huh? Merlin reports the findings and Arthur says, It appears, Merlin, on this single solitary occasion, you may be right. Wow.
Someone has not been eating his fiber, huh? If Arthur acted any more cranky and contrary I d begin to think he was a certain Arizona senator. Seriously, Merlin is right pretty much every episode.
Arthur knows it, the viewer knows it everyone knows it. So if we re not going to cut him some slack, can we at least cut the crap? Tyr is arrested and protests his innocence, but since he has such a squeaky voice and Arthur covets his first series mint TIE Fighter action toy (in the original packaging!), the king sentences him to death.
Merlin and Arthur walk down the corridors of Camelot talking about the verdict and the shot completely reminds me of the last bit of the opening credits to Law and Order . I keep half hoping the ghost of Lenny Briscoe will show up and slap some sense into Arthur before breaking into a rousing rendition of The Lullaby of Broadway. What can I say?
I still miss Jerry Orbach. Merlin decides to investigate because, as Arthur so adroitly puts it, Tyr was too stupid to be able to pull off something like this. Arthur will later say the same thing about Merlin.
Gee, Arthur, you re the one who hires all these people what does it say about you then? Seriously, though, this is turning into the last season of Golden Girls , when the girls stopped teasing each other and just said the nastiest thing that came to mind. It made me want to retreat to my happy place every time Dorothy ripped Blanche a new one.
I m starting to the feel the same about Merlin . By the way, Arthur never takes off his chainmail the entire episode. Even at dinner.
I mean, compensating much? Does he wear it to bed? Does it make him feel manly?
Or is this just the medieval version of safe sex?
Arthur, I can t get past this armor I mean, really I can t feel a single thing I can t even reach your oh, forget it, I m just rolling over and going to sleep!
Why doesn t Arthur just buy a fancy Italian sports car and grow a pencil mustache and be done with it?